I want to be an Idol

Dear JimmyDo,

All my life I have wanted to be an idol. I watch American Idol, and imagine myself cheered on by my fans. I want to be worshipped and admired by my adoring public. What can I do to at least somewhat realize my dream?

Sincerely

iWanital

Dear iWanital,

What would ever possess you to want this? JimmyDo wonders what would possess anyone to want to be an idol. JimmyDo listens to his iPod, he writes documents in iWork. I think you want to be an iDull. These people are not worshipped for their brains, or the witty things they say. They are worshipped for their looks.

JimmyDo remembers the saying "Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone!" As JimmyDo gets older, he is realizing that beauty fades. What happens to these iDulls? They are photographed at the beach with large cellulite-infested rear ends, bellies and "man-boobs"...whatever those are. They are photographed in their underwear, and sometimes when they are getting out of cars when they have forgotten to wear underwear.

JimmyDo has a suggestion. If you want to be worshipped, get a dog, and drape raw bacon strips over your body as you walk around the house. JimmyDo says "watch out where you step so you avoid the slobber on the floor.  If you don't feel worshipped after that experience, your dog may have brain damage.

If it helps, JimmyDo will call you an American iDull.

Adventures in eating

Dear JimmyDo,

My teenager was at a restaurant the other day and not only did he eat his meal, but apparently he ate the meal of someone who paid for and left a considerable amount of food on the table next to him. When my son got up to leave, he paid for his meal and was informed that he was being charged for the meal he ate on the other table. Can the manager do that, and what can my teen do about it?

Sincerely, 

Eating off my own plate!

Dear Eating off my own plate!

It sounds like your teenager was doing what many teenagers do, graze. This behavior involves roaming from refrigerator to cupboards and back again to the refrigerator in search of eatables. 

It sounds like your son's error was thinking that public places are grazing centers as well, and started grazing at the local restaurant. JIMMYDO thinks that the problem comes in when the store manager charged him for the food he ate. If the person sitting at the next table had paid for the meal that wasn't eaten, then JIMMYDO thinks it stands to reason that the charge was for something else. 

I think your son may have been charged for grazing. If grazing wasn't a item on the menu, JIMMYDO wonders how the amount was arrived at.

Here is JIMMYDO's advice. I think your son should go back to the restaurant and when the wait staff comes to take his order, he should order the Grazer. When the waiter/waitress looks puzzled, he should recommend that they should check with management, because even though it is not on the menu, it apparently is something that they charge for. While the waiter/waitress goes to check, I think your son should wander the other tables and eat the things that look good to him. If your son is nervous about interrupting paying customers, he could wait and watch the patrons and when one party is getting ready to go, your son could hover to catch all the left overs.

Who knows? Maybe the management will decide that this is a new profitable item to add to the menu, and offer it to all. And JIMMYDO would caution your son to only pay the price of the grazing charge he was charged last time. After all, if he is waiting until parties are done with their food, the restaurant pays someone to scrape plates, and JIMMYDO could argue that your son is easing their burden in that area.

Study troubles

Dear JimmyDo,

I am taking an exam tomorrow of which I am not prepared. I have pages and pages of notes and reading to do, but I just can't get off the Wii. What can I do?
Sincerely,

Wii have a problem

Dear problem,

First of all don't say Wii. Only U have a problem. And it is only a issue if you are hoping to graduate school. This is not an issue if your goal is to become a video game god. I'm sure video game gods, work on their craft in a sleep deprived state, and there is no homework.

Life is filled with choices. JimmyDo says "be a graduate, be a god, or just be gone." 

Texting troubles

Dear JimmyDo,

I have a teen that is texting all the time. In fact she interrupts our conversations to send a text back and I feel ignored. I don't know how to create and send a text. Is there any way to verbally communicate with my daughter or have our vocal relational days come to an end?

COL (Crying out loud)

Dear COL,

You have raised a dilemma for all parents. Texting mania has taken hold of your teenagers and there seems no end in sight! JimmyDo says "If you can't beat them, join them!"

Your texting skills are lacking but acronyms are not only for cell phones. I recommend that you get what we will call a "texting" pad. This is a pad of paper, yellow, legal, stenograph pad; it doesn't matter. Get a nice black marker, one that will show up from across the room. That should do it.

Get ready to text back! When your child isn't listening, because her thumbs are blistering the cell phone key pad, simply write your own text message. It is easy and JimmyDo will show you how!

Here are some acronyms that your child is most likely texting: LOL=Laugh out loud. OMG=Oh my god! THX=Thanks. There are many more. You may want to do some research, but better yet, make up your own text messages.

Here are some ideas for you to get started. TOTTP=Take out the trash, please. BPITW= best parent in the world. SSBYG=so sorry but your grounded. HUNOICYCPS=Hang up now or I cancel your cell phone service!

There is no end to the acronyms you can make up. Your daughter will laugh WITH you as you both relate at a more cellular level. She may start laughing AT you, until you make up acronyms about what she is going to lose if she doesn't comply. Then she will be desperate to understand.

Tipped off!

Dear JimmyDo

Should I feel cheap because I don’t tip at Starbuck’s or Caribou when I’ve just paid nearly $4.00 for my coffee?

Tipped Off!

Dear Tipped Off,

I've seen those "tip" jars as well. They have the word "tip" written somewhere around the cup. And there is all this money in them! It seems to me that when people put money in the jar they are saying, "Damn! I have too much left!"

Back to the question about being cheap. JimmyDo asks you...where is it written that when you see the word "tip" it ALWAYS refers to money? The dictionary has several definitions for the word "tip" Also, when you see the word "tip", you must determine if it is meant to be a noun or a verb.

If it is a noun, there are two possible definitions. First, it could be "a sum of money given to someone as a reward for their services". The other definition for a noun is a "small but useful piece of practical advice." If this is what is meant by the word "tip", JimmyDo tips ALL the time. In fact JimmyDo is giving YOU a tip right now

If you decide that it is a noun, and you do not want to give money, gesture to the employee to lean across the counter and whisper in their ear something that is amiss about their appearance. You may say "you may want to get your hair cut so I can see your eyes", or "your piercing is infected", or "you may want to wear a top that didn't show your bra strap". These helpful tips will make for improved employee appearance and JimmyDo believes that they will appreciate the insight.

If you don't feel comfortable verbally giving them a tip, JimmyDo recommends saving the fortunes from fortune cookies when you eat Chinese food. If others don't value their fortunes, collect them as well. That way you will have plenty of "tips" when you get your very overpriced coffee. When the coffee shop employees count the money at the end of the shift, what a treat it will be for them to find fortunes that you lovingly dropped in the jar. If you feel like you want to give them just a little bit more, write the words "in bed" at the end of each fortune you submit. That will give them a chuckle.

If you decide that the word is actually meant to be a verb, which means to "overbalance or cause to overbalance as to fall or to turn over", you may decide that the word "tip" is actually a request to play a game with them. "Tip" the cup over and watch them scramble to pick up the money. And who doesn't like to play a game!

So you don't have to feel cheap! Improved social relationships at the coffee house are just a "tip" away!

JimmyDo

Devil's in the delectables

Dear Jimmy-do,

During the holidays I ate my fill of "deviled eggs", "deviled ham", "devil's food cake", and "deviled crab". Holy hell! How can I protect myself, and what should I do if I eat these foul foods?

Sincerely,
Possessed by my appetite!

Dear Possessed,

You can tell immediately if a food is deviled by the sulfur and brimstone aftertaste. If you discern these tastes, it may be a good idea to stop eating, because that smell is only going to get worse after a day or two in the belly. Oofdah! JimmyDo's eyes are watering just thinking about it.

It is important that if you plan on eating "deviled" food, you should hire yourself a certified food exorcist. A properly trained food exorcist can perform the necessary ritual to excise the "devil" from the food. You must be prepared to share your food, because the exorcist must continually taste to see how much of the devil still inhabits your food. And remember, it is divine to share.

You must always keep in mind that all food isn't possessed. If you find that you have eaten something "deviled" there is always the "angel" food cake to balance things out.

But be prepared. There may be a mighty battle in your belly as good and evil slug it out for supremacy!

Cheated

Dear Jimmy-do,

I found out my child was cheating on a test. I was called by the school and have to attend a meeting to see whether my child can be reinstated in his class. Jim if you were in my position, what would you do?

Sincerely,
Cheated out of an evening home!

Dear cheated,

What I would recommend is that you take a proactive step. I would drag your child into the teacher’s room immediately and demand that your child pay for the answers they stole. It is important to have the child understand that stealing is wrong. Your child will be able to feel good about himself or herself knowing that paying for something gives them the pride of ownership.

Besides, the teacher could probably use the money.